I want to point out something that may sound crazy to some. I am proud to be a mommy to two beautiful girls, but they are not who make me proud. Actually, proud isn’t even the word I should be using. Blessed, privileged, but not proud. (Being proud just gets me into trouble.)
Real talk- the first little life I was blessed with was a message from God that I didn’t even comprehend until very recently: I am a sinner, but the Lord loves me anyway.
That precious girl with golden curls and bright blue eyes, she was planned. What most don’t know, however, is that she was planned out of my own selfish desire to feel unconditional love. What’s even more selfish, I wasn’t married. I didn’t even know if I loved the father at that point. I just wanted a little bundle of my own, someone who would love me no matter what.
I got that alright, but what I didn’t realize is that little baby isn’t who I received that love from. In fact, I received that love way before she existed, way before I existed.
That little gift wrapped in pink was a message:
You are so loved. So loved that, even in your sin, I have created something beautiful. Take care of her and raise her to know me.
Love, Your Heavenly Father”
That’s right, I am loved. This girl. The one who can’t even count her own screw ups. How awesome is that?
Fast forward a bit. I am married to that man, the father of my gift, the one I didn’t even know if I loved. Rest easy, I definitely love that man. I don’t love him because of him or anything he does in particular. I love him because he too is loved by God, because loving someone for their human abilities or character is near impossible. No one is that awesome. Everyone makes mistakes. God doesn’t. I love my husband because God gave him to me, because he is a sinner just like me who is loved by God. So, I love him too. Simple as that. Not really, because loving a man is never simple. I can only love him because of the power of God. While some aren’t okay with that, I most certainly am. I don’t want someone’s love for me to be based on earthly things. Those things fade and so will that love. God’s love won’t.
Now, we are shifting again to baby number two. One year into a marriage you need a five point harness for, I was pregnant with another incredible girl. (Don’t try this at home people. One year of marriage + two babies = spouses who barely know each other or what sleep is.) Since I hadn’t really comprehended what the message of baby #1 was, I hadn’t given her or my marriage to the Lord. I should have trusted Him and leaned on Him as my rock. As a result of this, baby #2 was a cry for more love. And, surprise- she isn’t who I got it from.
It’s me again. Can you feel me now? I have all the love you need. Look at how beautiful these babies are. That beauty is nothing compared to the beauty of my love for you. Please let me love you.
Your Heavenly Father”
I am so dense. How did I miss it? When Baby #2 turned ten months old, I FINALLY got it. As they slept next to me, I realized something. Why in the world am I making two tiny humans responsible for making me feel loved? Right now, their purpose is to be loved by God. And, hallelujah, that’s part of my purpose too!
My girls are beautiful and smart, but not because of me. That is all God’s doing. You want to know what they got from me? Sin. Nasty, ugly sin.
Someday they too will have the responsibility of choosing to rely on the love of humans or the love of God. I pray they choose Him. So many blessings come from the love of God. My girls and even my husband (which he would never believe) are examples of those blessings. So thankful the Lord loves my sinful self!
So, I am a mom. Not a proud mom. A humbled, blessed mom. I am a mom because God allowed me to be. While being a mom is a luxury to some or simply reproduction to others, being a mom is a job or a purpose for me. I was chosen by God to raise children who know Him and His Word, who love like Him and follow His will. This is a really hard job. I struggle to keep myself on the narrow road, let alone two other sinful people. But, it is a job I take seriously and in the end, if I have done well, He will get the glory because if it wasn’t for Him and His unconditional love, none of it would have been possible.